When there is no joy

A more serious post.  Sometimes they happen.

I remember when C was a brand new baby...she was this little six pound ball of hair and cuteness who I was totally in love with.  And while she was my everything, she didn't eat, or when she did, she wanted to graze for three hours straight.  She didn't sleep for 8 hours straight like I would have liked...the nerve.  She was WORK.  And I was exhausted, hormonal, crazy.  I found myself complaining about motherhood more than cherishing it.  One day I was talking to my mom and she said something that has always stuck with me.  "She isn't a chore.  It is hard, and things about her will always require chores, but try to every day see the joy."  I tried.  I snuggled, I cuddled, I kissed, but postpartum depression robbed me of the ability to see the joy.  I eventually got to the point that I felt like I would never be able to care for her well enough, to enjoy her and love her like she deserved if it didn't get myself fixed, so very long, life long/ongoing story short, I went on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications.  Stigmas be damned, mental health, depression, anxiety, etc. are serious and aren't something that makes you weak.  Now, *ahem* off my soap box.

When I found out we were pregnant again, I was at my first routine ultrasound at 8 weeks.  My husband was working about 30 minutes north of our house, and I worked about 30 minutes south, also where my doctor was.  I told the hubs to stay at work, it was no big deal, there would be more important appointments later on.  Then suddenly I was lying on the table with goo on my stomach and heard, "Um, Lindsay?"  I responded with a very seemingly calm and quiet, "twins, right?"  When my doctor confirmed I was right, I thought I might want to start taking some sort of intravenous form of anti anxiety medication, like every 5 minutes for the rest of the pregnancy...maybe life, because OHMYSERIOUSLYTWINS?!?!  At first there was joy.  Then sheer panic.  We didn't plan for this, this isn't something we could even have anticipated, and while it is truly a blessing, it can also be nearly devastating.  We live in a house with 3 bedrooms, none of which are big.  Do you know how hard it is to fit 2 cribs plus dressers and a changing table and baby STUFF in a bedroom meant to accommodate one person's furniture?  We have vehicles that can accommodate 2 car seats.  Hello mini van.   We were looking at moving...except now we had another daycare payment...or could we afford daycare or did I need to quit my job?  There came a point where I think I just sat in the bathtub sobbing for awhile.  There was no joy at that point.  It came, but it took awhile to get over the shock!

Now we have a 4 year old and twins who are 2.  Do you KNOW how hard that is every. single. day?  There are days when it is awesome.  When my in laws come to town and my sister in law comes over and we go somewhere to eat and there are 5 adults and 3 kids...they no longer outnumber us!!!  When they all secretly get together and plan to play nicely together for 5 minutes so I can start dinner (and then nearly dump boiling water on myself or them b/c they are no longer playing nicely)!  And days like tonight when I present them with a new-to-them toy and their entire lives suddenly make sense, as if the heavens have parted and gifted them with the understanding of the ages.  For 3 minutes.  But there are certainly days where it is less than awesome, and when there is no joy.  Days when I drag myself out of bed when the alarm goes off to find a kid has already escaped from his room and smeared poop on his wall.  Days when I have to wear grown up clothes to work and realize I haven't had time to do laundry in 7 years.  Ironing?  hahahahahaha  Days when I've finally made it through a 12 hour work day because it is a super busy time of year, only to get home and find out that at daycare one of the twins has bit another kid repeatedly, and the other twin is having a ton of potty training accidents, not to mention that big sister says Pre-K is no longer fun because she doesn't have any friends.  Days when I finally manage to get the kids loaded in the car from daycare and headed home and realize I haven't had time to grocery shop in a month, so we can have an assortment of spices, flour, ketchup or a frozen package of beef, or I can run through a fast food drive through for the 18th time that month.  Days when we have a "picnic" in front of the TV with the fast food because I don't have the energy to do much more than sit down and zone out myself.  Days when the food is gone and the TV show is over, bath time doesn't happen, but bed time does.  Days when bedtime approaches, fits are thrown and this momma loses it.  Days when I'd rather let them stay up until midnight if they'd just be quiet in their own bedrooms so I could have 10 minutes of "me" time to unwind.  These are the kinds of days where it is SO hard to find joy.

But I try.

Some days it is all I can do to focus on big picture things; my kids are alive, my kids are healthy, my kids aren't terrorists (questionable, some days).  I read other blogs that try to focus on the positive, I try to be a "yes" mom (the kind that isn't always saying "no" just because, that has a good reason to say no, that can encourage her kids by saying yes, or by turning no into "why don't we....instead") and I try to find joy in the every day, which is hard when your personality tends to lean toward pessimistic.  Some days, after trying really hard, I can focus on smaller things.  My kid is creative!  She used my expensive eye liner to draw a beautiful mural on the wall!  My kid is so mature, he's gotten dressed by himself for school!  In his sister's clothes.  At 10pm.  With no underpants.  Then peed in them.  My kid is a little genius.  He's engineered a way to get himself into the cupboard above the counter to get to daddy's hidden treat stash, using only a stool, a chair, some rope and duct tape!  My kid is healthy!  She's eaten 3 bananas in one sitting, without even asking for help to get the peel off...or maybe she ate some of it.  Regardless!  Fruit!

So the days with no joy are part of the reason I write this blog.  To remember that sometimes, motherhood is a thankless job, an exhausting job, and there are so many seasons, each one with new challenges that create more opportunities to suck the joy out of my life...so I write to remember that life is funny, and full of joy, and my kids are awesome, if not little bundles of insanity.